Valentine's day when upstanding members of the community in secure jobs and loving relationships show their love and financial capabilities with a pre-planned, scheduled day of romance whilst single people are forced to grapple with feelings of being a worthless, infertile hunchbacks incapable of forming a meaningful relationship with anything or anyone other than the self checkout at Sainsbury's.
You might say Harry don’t be so cynical, embrace romance. I am romantic. If I fell in Love tomorrow I’d be ready to go on Valentines day. On my budget it would have to be some lady and the tramp affair where we go down a back alley and eat spaghetti off a bin lid and then go fuck in a park. See I bleed romance. Not everyone agrees. I actually fingered a girl in a park once but she told me to stop as it wasn’t romantic. In hindsight I’m sure she thought being fingered in a park was the romantic equivalent of sitting in a gondola boat in Venice after she’d seen my flat. We never saw each other again as we realized we were miles apart on what we thought romance was. Her loss because for our next date I was going to take her to that bridge with all the locks on in Paris and fist her.
I don’t trust love. Well interpersonal love at least. I am capable of love. I can do commitment - I’ve had a phone contract with the same network for five years. I think what stops me getting together with a human, apart from that I use the phrase “getting together with a human”, is for love to be successful you’ve got to evolve, adapt and change. Why would I want to become a better person? I’ve got this far by not changing my behaviour and by got this far I mean I’ve got credit on my oyster card and I know how to switch the washing machine on. If I wanted growth I’d buy a pot plant.
I actually think the best relationship I ever had was 4 hours long. We had a brilliant night together. It ended when she said she couldn’t kiss me as she had a boyfriend. We never saw each other again. I often look back on that four hours with great fondness. I didn’t get in trouble, we didn’t argue. I didn’t have to make small talk with her family about my career prospects. It was all joy and happiness with none of the commitment and pain of a relationship. I cherish that memory. Why does love have to be forever? Four hours is more than enough, stop being so greedy for love.
I say bring on sex bots. “deactivate shame mode in sex bot” Yes please. “Sex-bot would like to judge your behaviour” turn that mode off thank you. “Would you like to take disable the moral high ground on Sex bot?” Of course. Harry are you saying you want to fuck an opinionless robot with a rubber vagina? Yes, but it comes from a good place. I am showing true love by not subjecting anyone to a relationship with me, selflessness, thoughtfulness, consideration all the hallmarks of love. All these selfish pricks burdening some poor person with their problems, subjecting them to the up’s the downs of life. Not me I’m keeping my (up) and downs to myself. It’s clear I’ve just not met anyone who compares to how great I am, not a criticism. I’ve been in a great relationship for the last 35 years with a good looking, loving, intelligent, funny person all along and I’ve finally realized that, so tonight I can finally use those Pizza Express vouchers.
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